What To Do When You Are Out Of Choices?
Photo by Mauricio Livio on Unsplash
One common theme in my coaching conversations with founders and leaders is how the excitement of starting a venture often gives way to the heavy burden of responsibility. Despite their motivation and drive, the weight can sometimes feel unbearable. This isn’t limited to founders; many of us experience it in various situations.
In one of my jobs, when I decided to move on, I faced a similar burden. Different CXOs I worked with individually called me into meetings to persuade me to stay. Though well-intentioned, the pressure was immense, as I didn’t want to damage the relationships I had built but didn’t want to stay either.
I shared my feelings with my manager via WhatsApp, and they responded with the following advice (slightly edited for readability):
“Please know that you are in control. You have the opportunity. If you feel it’s too early, you can say that. If you want more time, you can say that. If you want it to happen in a certain way, you can say that.”
The first line — “you are in control” — was particularly empowering. We often forget, amid the chaos, that we still have choices. In fact, there’s ALWAYS a choice available. These choices might not always be ideal, but having a choice is better than feeling helpless. In my case, I could choose to end the discussions, delay them until after my break, or listen politely. I CHOSE to engage in the discussions to avoid leaving on a sour note.
Understanding that you have choices can shift your stance from feeling helpless to feeling in control.
During a particular philosophical discussion with a wise cousin, he likened life to a video game. Just as old game tapes had 64 games, life offers multiple options/paths, and we choose which ones to play. Each game has levels with obstacles to overcome. You decide whether to keep progressing to next levels or to quit if you stop enjoying it.
To take this further — Whether you quit or not, or how hard you want to try to get to the next level is in your control, so is what games you choose to play. We try our hard to not lose lives while playing, but we also know we can restart. It isn’t always about survival, but learning and growth.
I have found this analogy to be very useful in my coaching sessions for 3 reasons:
Shifting Perspective: Viewing the context of discussion/ situation at hand as a game turns it from a fear of survival into opportunities, fun, and growth. It breaks the hold of stressful aspects and puts you back in charge.
Choice of Rules: Games come with set rules, often defined by society. This analogy highlights that you can change the rules or play a different game altogether (e.g., the creation of pickleball).
Lightness and Creativity: This can bring in some lightness and ease to the whole conversation and I immediately observe a shift in energy when we start speaking about what “game” they want to play. And that’s what opens up room for creativity as well.
🤔Consider: Where in your life can you take back control? What game are you playing? What are the current rules of the game? What choice are you implicitly making? And what other choices are available?
PS: Referring to life as games isn’t to trivialize important activities but to help shift perspectives.
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