What Part Of Yourself Do You Hide At Work?
Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash
I have been emotionally sensitive since childhood, but I learned early on that it’s not appropriate to display your emotions. One should be "stoic" in the company of others and deal with emotions in private.
I relearned this lesson when I showed child-like excitement while discussing a topic with a senior in one of my early jobs. I was perceived as immature. I internalised the idea that to be taken seriously, I had to always appear poised and sincere. For the longest time, there were three versions of me: the professional one, the personal/social one who could have fun and be silly, and the sensitive one—a part only visible to a close few while still doubting how much display of emotions was appropriate.
During one of the darkest periods of my life, I was in an online meeting with a group of people. By then, I had learned to compartmentalize and not let any stress show on my face. I seemed to be doing well; my ex-colleagues later told me they could have never guessed what was going on with me. But right after that meeting, I got a call from my manager who asked what was going on. I kept saying everything was fine, but he noticed something was different about me. Then the dam broke—I cried and started apologizing for crying, internally feeling that I wouldn’t be taken seriously anymore. However, the exact opposite happened. Not only did I receive kindness, understanding, and support from him, but I also felt lighter because I had one less person to hide from.
This incident turned out to be a turning point in my life for three reasons:
I realized that it isn’t “wrong” or scary to share your burdens with someone. If I trust someone, I can lean on them for support or just to share.
One of the most powerful lessons was about presence. The way my manager was present in that situation, letting me be however I wanted to be, not asking me to stop crying or pacifying me by saying “everything will be alright,” was a game changer. It gave me permission to be myself and with my emotions, as they were.
As I saw my professional and personal versions merging in that interaction (and those that followed with him and his wife), I saw a ray of hope that it could be possible to bring my whole self to some other people too.
The reason I call this a turning point is because it showed me how I can be in this world and inspired me to bring this forward in my interactions with others.
As I started changing, trying to bring my whole self to the world, I found myself much happier. Then I discovered the science behind it—you can’t choose which emotions you suppress. If you suppress “negative” emotions*, you suppress the whole range. I also observed myself feeling more connected to people who were close to me.
One common area I work on with founders is some aspect of emotional intelligence—how to be more empathetic, connect better with the team, or deal with someone else’s emotions. In our work together, I often start by asking if they feel they are bringing their whole selves to the front.
Do you?
What impact would it have on your leadership if you stopped hiding parts of yourself?
What would be different about you if you could be your whole, authentic self?
What could be the first tiny step you can take in that direction?
- Who could you start this practice with?
- What would that look like in practice?
In my work as a leadership coach, I believe that being your authentic self is at the core of being a great leader, and it starts with accepting all parts of yourself first.
💡Tip: One way to get started is to practice being with your emotions, showing compassion to yourself, and allowing the emotions to be there. Here’s a meditation to guide you through it: RAIN meditation by Tara Brach.
*It also helps to stop categorizing emotions as positive or negative and see them for what they are—emotions. Additionally, we need to learn how to express our emotions rather than “reacting” from them, which isn’t the same as expressing them.
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