What Are You Unconsciously Committed To?
One of the founders I was coaching wanted to work on being candid and consistent in sharing feedback with her team. She saw the downsides of not doing so—team members weren’t improving as quickly, her feedback (when it eventually came with a lot of frustration) was a surprise, and she would either start doing things herself or become passive-aggressive.
In the first two months of our work together, she made great progress in her other focus areas but kept struggling with this one. After all, changing a behaviour pattern ingrained over more than 30 years is challenging. We explored what was stopping her, diving into her fears, upbringing, and beliefs around conflict and confrontation, but something was still missing.
Then, in our next session, I shared with her that I felt she wasn’t fully committed to giving candid feedback. She insisted she was—she saw the negative impact it was having on her and the team and genuinely wanted to change. I asked her if it felt like a “full-body yes"* to her. This was the lightbulb moment! She realized that while she was committed, it wasn’t a REAL commitment. Of course, she didn’t wake up every day and say to herself, “I won’t give feedback to people today,” but she was unconsciously committed to being a nice person who would never make anyone feel bad.
Acknowledging that she was unconsciously committed to not achieving her goal (giving candid feedback) was a turning point in her journey. From then on, she could see all the things she was doing to maintain this pattern and also the payoff she was getting. It still took a lot of courage and work, but by the end of our six-month journey together, giving feedback had become a regular part of her life.
One of the covert defence mechanisms we have is to blame others, situations, or even ourselves** (or our personality) when we don’t REALLY want to change. We might say, “I can’t be organized because that’s just how I am,” or “I lose my temper because things aren’t moving fast enough at work,” or “I can’t eat healthily because my mother keeps making sweets at home.” Blame is how we give away our power and avoid taking 100% responsibility for what’s happening in our lives.
Often, we keep a pattern going in our lives because we are getting some payoff from it. Becoming organized requires extra work and mental bandwidth. The thought of disappointing my investors makes me uncomfortable, so instead of staying with my own anxiety it’s easier to pass it on to my team. I don’t want to give up sweets.
I was introduced to the concept of taking 100% responsibility through a course with Jim Dethmer. One of the first things we were told as coaches was to apply it to our own lives—to at least start playing with the possibility that what we are getting in our lives is what we are unconsciously committed to. Almost everyone in the room felt freer, lighter, or more empowered after owning what was happening in their lives.
Here’s how you can try it for yourself:
💪🏻 Exercise: Think about one thing in your life that you’re complaining about—maybe today, maybe over the last six months, or all your life. If nothing comes to mind, think about one thing that you would like to be different in your life and that you may complain about when you are reactive.
Now, with regards to this issue, complete the sentence: “I am unconsciously committed to…..” Write down what you are committed to by what you are getting as an objective result.
For example:
I am unconsciously committed to not meeting our revenue targets.
I am unconsciously committed to having politics in my leadership team.
I am unconsciously committed to having an unstable team.
I am unconsciously committed to having a transactional relationship with my kid.
I am unconsciously committed to only having short-term relationships.
I am unconsciously committed to fighting with my mother every time I talk to her.
I am unconsciously committed to working 16 hours a day.
Can you play with the thought of this being a possibility?
How does it feel to own it?
Can you see how you are helping create this situation?
Can you really own it?
What’s one step you can take right now to start changing the situation?
*The term "full body yes" is often attributed to author and motivational speaker Marie Forleo.
**Blaming yourself is different from taking 100% responsibility. One comes from a position of guilt/ victim mindset and the other from a position of ownership/empowerment.
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