4 Barriers to Empathy and How to Overcome Them

Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash

Have you ever noticed yourself gravitating toward certain friends or family members when you’re going through something and just need to share it? Even though you might be close to others, when it comes to opening up, some people feel easier to talk to.

Recently, I found myself wondering why I sometimes choose not to share things with my parents or certain friends, even though I know they wouldn’t judge me. I finally found the answer through Brené Brown, a researcher who delves deeply into vulnerability, shame, and emotions.

Among the many ways to understand empathy, one idea resonates most with me: it’s not about walking in someone else’s shoes—it’s about walking WITH them.

Empathy happens when we truly listen, stay curious, and seek to understand. It’s about understanding their experience, even if it doesn’t align with our own.

Can we believe them when they share what they’re feeling?

Can we imagine how their thoughts, feelings, and actions make sense when viewed through their lens of the world—even if we don’t see it the same way?

Empathy doesn’t require agreement; it requires understanding. That’s why I feel so connected to a few chosen ones—they GET me.

How We Accidentally Block Empathy

Even with good intentions, there are ways we might unintentionally block empathy. Here are a few common pitfalls and how to navigate them:

Sympathy:
❌ Hearing someone’s story and immediately feeling bad/sympathy for them. There’s a subtle but important difference between saying, “Aww honey!” and “Aww, poor you.” Sympathy creates a distance—a sense of us versus them. You might be walking alongside them, but you’re not on the same path.
✅ To walk with them is to feel with them, not for them. It’s an unspoken understanding that they have the capability to handle their journey—you’re simply there to accompany them.

Judgment:
❌ Judging someone’s feelings, thoughts, or actions when they don’t make sense to you. It might sound like, “I told you so!” or questioning how they ended up in their situation.
✅ Instead, try to see the world as they see it. Can you grant them the right to be who they are, even if you see things differently?

Comparison:
❌ Trying to relate by sharing your own story or comparing struggles. Instead of staying on their path, you shift focus and show/lead them onto yours.
✅ Before sharing your perspective, ask yourself: What’s the intention? Sometimes, it might help to offer a broader view, but other times, it can unintentionally divert the conversation.

Advice Giving:
❌ Jumping in with advice or solutions. While support can sometimes mean offering guidance, it’s not always what they’re looking for. When you leap to help, it can feel like a relationship between the “wounded” and the “healed” and not a relationship between equals.
✅ Next time, simply ask: “What kind of support do you need?”

A Personal Practice in Empathy

One of my friends and I have started explicitly sharing the kind of support we need. It might sound like:

• “I just want to vent. Be angry with me!”

• “I feel hopeless. Help me believe I can do it.”

These small shifts can make a world of difference in how we connect.

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